I still reflect back on my wild 21 year old self. If my girls only, only knew. At some point they will ask and at some point, I will give them the whole scenario. Luckily, if all goes well I am planning on that day being in the distant future with about 8 years to avoid discussing and explaining. I still struggle to fathom how I worked 12 hour days, managed to workout five days a week yet still went out nightly. I slept very little and still functioned well enough through my job that I never showed up to work late. I had energy with more than enough to spare. Yet, somehow here I am raising three little people. Two of which head off to school for most of the day. I usually find myself managing to sneak in a few naps each week after the two oldest leave. Is it bad that I stand in the doorway waving goodbye with a huge smile knowing that as soon as I shut the door, I can catch a few more hours of sleep?? These little humans take up so much energy. It is shocking!
Please stay with me and understand that although they are a lot of work, I love my children. They are a blessing. They are my joy and every fiber of my being is valued on my children. That may sound a little extreme but I am their mother. I feel that they in so many regards are a reflection of my husband and I. Of course they are individuals but I take great pride in them. My whole focus is on, are they happy? Are they responsible? Are they respectful? Do they have a heart for others? Can they work through conflicts? Will they stand on their own two feet when a problem arises or will they cave in and follow what is popular? Can they think for themselves (some days I regret encouraging that trait). Do they have a heart for God?
I am responsible for them and their behavior. I take great pride in that as a mother. I do not place my worth on my degrees, my career, my friends or even what house I live in or what car I drive. None of that matters to me. It can all be stripped away in the blink of an eye but the character of my children will last a lifetime.
I could post on social media all the good stuff. I do keep it positive and rarely post the struggles or the drama that may arise. However, people might become delusional and think I am super mom with this perfect little life. The reality is, it takes so much work to get through one day. I work out constantly to keep sane and yet even that is ridiculous and I often want to say screw it and give up. Why can I not be like some moms where I sit on the couch eating Twinkies and watching soap operas all day? Whyyyyyyyy?!?!
It must be that if I gave up and if I stuffed my face and sat around not caring, it would cost me. It would mean that my disease would go into over drive and people within my home might die. I would have more flares ups due to extreme hormonal imbalances. So here I am not being Susie homemaker posting all my creations or successful pinterest talents. I am not that mom. Screw you pinterest because I secretly envy those moms but instead I am just trying to keep myself sane and children alive while constantly remodeling our stupid house. I need an easier life. I do. I really do.
Today I felt like caving and I could have easily, easily hands down posted on Facebook a screenshot of my workout from today. It would look like I ran four miles and managed to run like the flash with some 6 minute miles. bahahahahaha.
Social media is so deceiving. Please do not envy someones social life. Online posts leave out so much of REAL life. If I had posted a screen shot of today's workout, here is what you would not see.
My watch keeps messing up and either does not record a workout or I try to close it out and it just keeps on recording. Today it decided to continue recording my workout while I sat in my SUV and while I drove down the road to my house. It recorded the whole four miles and made buzzer noises with boom bands playing to notify me that I have made significant progress and "ran" a 6 minute mile. Way to go watch. Way to go. Sadly I run about twice as slow as that and it failed to realize I was driving.
Here is what most do not see about my life beyond if I posted a workout. My whole day was tough. My husband is out of town for the military. I single parented our three little's all by myself for most of the last three days. Children cried. They ate left overs and quick snacks. We cut corners and at one point I distinctly remember telling them to give mamma a moment of silence. I honestly had no energy left to answer ONE MORE "why" question. I just could not do it. I was sick of the "she's touching me" and "I'm hungry"!
I must be insane. I had to run all these errands dragging children in and out. We pushed through the chaos of people everywhere and people Christmas shopping at one store all for some diapers and paper towels. At one point we even made it up to the check out only to have a child complain about how she was about to pee her pants if she did not make it potty. I drew in a deep breath and pulled the cart around only to trample throughout the whole store to the opposite end just to find a bathroom. I was drained. I was exhausted and yet I knew I needed to push forward.
Exercise makes me feel better. It is my outlet. It also sets an example for my children about making healthy choices in life. Despite my day, we came home and took some time to settle down. We regrouped and headed out for the nearby pathway. The girls rode their bikes while I ran and pushed our 14 month old in a stroller. Today the girls wanted to take the trail with a waterfall. The trail is gorgeous but we usually only walk it. Therefore I was not prepared for the experience.
The trail is rough. There are roots everywhere and my girls kept crashing on their bikes. I attempted to run yet the stroller kept getting stuck and our poor little toddler someone how must have found the movement relaxing. She managed to fall asleep despite her head occasionally getting jolted around in the stroller. It was right then and there that I saw the sleeping toddler who never stops moving that I refused to give up. I needed her asleep for a few more minutes so I could breath and think in silence. Her teething and lack of sleep lately has just about done me in. There we were over a mile in the trail and I refused to turn around. We pushed on and kept going. Thank God she stayed asleep for over a half hour.
After wards I had to make another stop. The cashier made very much appreciated compliments about our girls and discussed how she can not wait for children. I was touched and yet something inside me burst. I was polite but as my girls were distracted by a nearby toy display I told her to really live her life and accomplish some goals before she ever jumps into parenthood. I told her that so many fail to fill our youth in on the sleepless nights and how much work is involved.Yes babies are cute and they smell amazing but they require so much of their parents. She seemed shocked when I explained that parenting is the hardest thing in life she will ever do. Well, if you're a parent that cares about who they become then it is a difficult journey. Parenting has a lot of good but man oh man does it take a lot of long days and a lot of challenges to get those priceless rewards.
Trust me, in the middle of the forest it is often challenging to see through the trees. That is how I often feel as a mom. I keep hoping and praying that one day, just one day all of this will matter. That all the moments where I encourage them, help them work through emotions and even the days where I loose my cool and act a fool, even then I pray that it all adds up to these little's being responsible adults that others are willing to live around for a lifetime.
Cheers! Here is to me ending the night with a glass of apple cider and fireball. My husband is on his way home and tomorrow a sitter is lined up to help give us a break. Life is seeming pretty manageable at this point. May your day have a bitter sweet ending as well.
