Francesca who?!

       Francesca Battistelli is one of my favorite singers. I know you are asking yourself, Francesca who?! No, she is not found on any top ten music charts. I won’t even apologize because I never base my interests around what charts or studies deem as the most popular. I choose interests that speak to me and that relate to what I find as fulfilling. Francesca is a music artist that has a few awesome songs that really speak to my soul. I can compare my own life around her songs and I am always left feeling more upbeat after hearing her words. For example, she has a song titled “Free to be me.” Today I heard her song again from my playlist. Her song describes life as having a couple dents in the fender and some rips in her jeans.

        

          You might roll up beside me some day while I rock out to the music in my car. No worries I am tone deaf so I will keep the windows rolled up. Despite my handicap, music is great therapy. I feel the words with my whole heart but I lip sing the songs. I attempt to spare the people next to me from hearing my off key singing .When the words strike a cord in your heart, I guarantee that is when you jam out even harder.
       I remember being a young child full of dreams. I could not wait to grow up.The song " Free to be me" speaks to me. Sprinkled throughout my childhood are many good memories. However, I grew up feeling that I was not good enough. I felt that if I perfected everything I did that I would amount to something. My parents failed to use words of affirmation. They were never good at using the words, “I am proud of you, or “I love you.” I struggled to find happiness. I never felt as if I ever had anything of value to bring to the table. Those feelings shaped my life.   

        I have a family member who has impacted the way I view life.  She was a school teacher. She is a college graduate. She graduated from Ohio University at the top of her class. She is and always has been very book smart. She is a person who can read a book and then recite everything back to you with directions. She can even tell you how to do something simply because she read about it. However, she struggles.
The reality is she has very little knowledge about how to take all that learned information and apply it to real life. She succeeded with college and with her career up to a point but she missed out on the real value of life. She struggles because her life is filled with regrets, unforgiveness and blame. Her life never went as planned. She blames it on her parents, her siblings, and her ex-husband. Frequently her conversations pull back to talking about how her life could have been different “if only……..”

         Please tell me you also know someone exactly like this?! Unforgiveness is a poison. We all have bad days. We all have bad years but there is nothing we can do about the past. It is done and over.  All we can do is control the future from this day forward. For my family member, her life requires forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time. People need to be forgiven and until she can forgive, she will continue to negatively impact those around her. Her blame has forced her to miss out in life.

        For me personally, I have found that forgiveness is a constant process.  In the mean time continuing to stay around toxic people is like taking an open wound and allowing a hurtful person to keep picking away at the scab that is trying to heal. Even though forgiveness is a challenge, I never want to be so consumed with hurt that I miss out those time stamp moments in life.Yes there are days I wish I could have avoided certain events in my life. There are even days where I wish I could catch a train to New Mexico in order to escape the crying or sick days. I really wish I could have done without my vehicle being rammed by deer 5 times. In reality no one ever looks back and remembers all the bad days.  We might remember traumatic events but they all serve a purpose. Mostly we remember all those moments sprinkled in that were filled with joy. Those good moments are golden. My family member is missing all of those. Sad. Truly sad.

           

          I have no idea how I missed that vicious cycle of blaming everyone else. I escaped. I jumped off that circus act and chose the freak show instead. {Insert my smile emoji here}.

          I want to be a healthy person not only physically but spiritually and mentally. I do everything in my power to work towards a positive future. I too read books except I did not inherit the gene that allows me to read and suddenly everything sticks. Instead I am forced to learn by physically doing something and then suddenly the light bulb flickers on and I can comprehend. I also watch films and talk openly with people. Here is the real kicker, there have been times I actually enjoy paying a person to sit and listen to me hash out my life’s problems. I never want to dump all my garbage off on those around me.  Believe it or not, paid people are forced to sit and listen. They also have great insight. Those paid people have been referred to as shrinks.
   
      There was the one time I was asked to write down all the things that I was mad about on a piece of paper. I was suppose to then catch the paper on fire in order to set the feelings free. Do you know how difficult it was to find a lighter or match that day?! I ended up turning on the grill and burning that piece of paper. I felt so satisfied that I ended up burning lots of items. It was a freeing experience. I can not advise that to everyone because depending on how much hurt you have buried, you might just keep going and burn your couch, clothes or maybe even your house. The small fire could become a neighborhood event.

        Over the years instead of trying to hide my skeletons I have learned to throw those bad boys right out there on the front door step. I want to face them head on.  Hello! I know you, the person reading this has some crazy up your sleeves. The question is, do you admit it or are you in denial? If you are in denial, you’re the type of person I really start to question. You people need to take a real long reevaluation of your life. It exists. If you refuse to see the dysfunction I am sure others see it. Hahahahahaha. To those of you who know it exits, we can stay friends.

      

        

   
         I am so thankful for all the moments where I have learned to find peace and acceptance. My life truly blossomed the minute I learned to be thankful for all the trials. I love all the trails because God has given me the ability to reflect on certain events and laugh. As the saying goes, iron sharpens iron. I never comprehended that statement until the last 8 years. Many events have forced me to keep chipping away at at the baggage I have carried around. The events have truthfully been a blessing. They chiseled me into a new creation. I keep finding my hidden talents and the potential of my life. I am beyond grateful that I can take control of my own life and work towards a more fulfilling life. I never want to miss on all the "firsts" for my own children. Even on the rough days, I am thankful for the ability to be present. As Francesca sings, “the battle has already been won…….you are free to be you.”

Bobbling Along the Bottom of the Beautiful Briny Sea, Part 2

    

  Today my husband called me outside.  I walked outside to find him working on our truck camper. He is doing some routine maintenance. The camper brought back some memories about a vacation that we took last year. First let us go back to the previous story I started.

Okay so I had a miscarriage. We did that. We worked through that or so I thought. I lost the baby but three months later, I or I mean "we" successfully got pregnant again. That time my labs regarding my thyroid stayed within optimal ranges. Unlike the previous pregnancy where I had felt awful. This time around I was feeling fantastic. I had energy. I was not on bed rest and emotionally I felt happy. We were plugging along through life and we were full of joy. We were planning for the arrival of our new baby. 

       Getting pregnant again and right away really helped to take the focus off the child we lost. However November 23rd hit. It was the day the previous baby was supposed to be born. I cried. I lost it. It was like dealing with the death all over again. That is nothing anyone prepares for you. People say miscarriage happens and then that's it. There is no talking about it. NO mention of what a woman should expect or not expect. No one tells you it is okay to grieve or to feel sadness about the loss. I did and it was like the flood gates all came gushing in on my soul. 

       My poor husband. Bless him. He felt helpless and had no clue what to do about how I felt. He wanted to help so he kept doing odd things as an attempt to "fix it" which only made me more emotional. I probably yelled at him. I might have even told him to take the ice cream cone that he had just bought me and I told him where to stick it. At some point he thought getting me some ice cream while telling me "you don't look fat despite being pregnant' was a sure fire remedy. The poor man kept getting blasted with every emotion I carried. He loves me. He has wide shoulders and deep down I knew he did not deserve having all my emotions dumped upon him. 

      Three days went by and finally a light bulb clicked. He suddenly remembered all the times we discussed going on a vacation. We dreamed about far off places and where we would love to go someday. Numerous conversations all rounded back to the beach and lighthouses while camping out in the wilderness. Surely somehow that was the cure all. He called into work and planned weeks out in advance. He had a plan.

      In the meantime I got over myself. It took a week of barely doing house work and reading a lot of books and then I pulled myself together. In other words, I sat around; A LOT. I accepted the loss and realized life had to push forward. I had two children plus a third on the way and they still needed me. Little be known to me that my husband was carrying on this grand scheme. It took him some time to plan and prepare. Then life rolled into late April.Now mind you I was suppose to deliver the current baby around the end of July. Lovely. Just grand. Perfect timing for an uncomfortable prego lady. 

       Then it happened. In April one day my husband spilled the beans with his eyes smiling that we were leaving. He was taking me on a vacation. He wanted to make his wife happy. I was flabbergasted knowing how close it was to my due date. Like most women, I always fear. I thought about what if I went into labor early or what if we got stranded out and the worst happens. Given I had just seen the doctor and my body was not showing any signs of a baby coming. They had suspected she would come late and we were looking at the baby arriving in August. That alone was enough reassurance my husband needed that I could and would be leaving. 

       There we were with our bags packed and walking out the door. Then I saw it. There sat his old 99 Chevy diesel truck running. Apparently this was my chariot in waiting. However this ride is a beast. He has always been so savvy about wisely spending money that he takes great pride in this truck. It is bought and paid for. We carry no loan and if it breaks it’s a quick zip zip and off she goes. 

        However let me break this truck down for you so you can picture it. I won’t post pictures because I would rather you envision this beast. It is dark grey except for the two doors that are black. Yes they are painted differently because the two matching doors that he paid the local high school's technical shop boys to paint happens to still be sitting in our barn. He has not had the time to install them so he at some point picked up some temporary replacement doors. He drug me on that adventure. We visited a junkyard and drug those jalopies straight out of the back 40 with our own tools in hand. Anyhow here we were. We have this truck with two differently colored doors and a rusted bed followed up by lots of rumbling. These doors are not the exact same model for the truck which has caused some issues. 1) The driver door only opens from the outside. 2) The passenger side window does not open. Therefore try sitting in the passenger side during a hot summer day with no breeze. I guarantee that'll force you to apply more deodorant. 3) There is no air conditioning. The truck is better suited to head up the local chicken BBQ. The chickens can roast right there on the seat. 

         This beast was our ride for a vacation. Oh lovely I thought. With its huge wheels and bouncing around I figured my huge pregnant belly was bound to go into labor. I kept quiet and refused to mouth a word knowing how much twinkling was going on in Rodney's eyes. I needed to amuse him and just go along. So I did. 

      Literally ten minutes into the ride my curiosity got the best of me. 

"Rodney, where are we going?"  

"To the beach to go camping." He replied

Oh shoot. I am about to die. Here I am fully pregnant and this man wants us to go camping. I looked around. I took a good look. 

"Rodney do we have a tent?" 

"Nope." He said calmly while staring straight forward. 

"Um Rodney. (While trying to not lose my temper.) How are we supposed to camp?! Maybe we should really consider a hotel." 

"No we are camping. Do not worry. I have this all figured out." He stated. 

My mind exploded but I kept quiet. I sat for two hours quiet. I thought. I stressed and really questioned who I married. I played out a million scenarios about being in isolation in some freakin woods with bears all coming in with snarling teeth. They would all be ready to eat my children after gobbling up our hot dogs. I wanted to open the stupid trucks door and jump out and escape this crazy train. I was so done.  

Night hit and the later it got the higher we climbed. Rodney was taking a winding road uphill that led us into the mountains. Mind you it was getting close to summer. The higher we climbed the mountain the colder it became until we literally saw snow on the tops of the trees. 

Like typical Rodney and his antics. He had a plan. He had found a guy selling a truck camper out in Tim buck two. It was a real steal of a deal. It had been used as a guy’s hunting shack and he was hard up for cash and needed to make a quick sell. Given the camper was so far out, no one was willing to pounce on said deal. Except Rodney. Except my knight in shining armor. He was on a mission to make his wife happy and keep the expense low. 

How I envisioned us looking

     It was nearly night fall and here we found this guy’s house. The camper turned into the most bizarre experience. We must have sat and chatted with the guy for hours. He was heading out on some missions trip. He was currently living with his brother and the two of them were renovating an old Gothic style house for their parents. He had stories upon stories so he and Rodney carried on about life and renovations. I had to interrupt and finally remind my husband of our plans and that the girls and I were starving. 

By 11 pm after the GPS quit working and we took a wrong turn, we sputtered into a gas station. The truck was nearly out of gas. The station was complete with a subway and despite closing down the dear ladies must have sensed my desperation while lugging around a very large belly. They had handed me two free subs. I was so hungry that anything sounded like meal fit for a Queen.

      As we sat in the parking lot and ate our subs we witnessed the gas station close down and the lights all flickered off. We were miles from any major town and the streets to the left and to the right were all vacant. It was desolate. It was creepy and it was our cue to head out. Rodney turned the key. Nothing. He turned the key again. Nothing. Right there and in that moment I was not feeling the whole "let me make my wife happy?" I was ready to scream. 

      Nowhere. Nowhere is a scary place when you have no idea where you are or where the nearest highway is. Nowhere is a scary place when you're pregnant and have two small children in your care. Secretly you just gobbled down their left over portions of subway. You know deep down there is no food to ration out if the little's get hungry again in the next 20 minutes. We were in a sorry state.

       Luckily Rodney was out under the front of the truck. He was not around for me to strangle. I heard him monkeying around and then back in he rolled with a gleam in his eye and a turn of the key. Sure enough the beast rumbled again. I won't pretend to know diesels because I literally have very little clue besides what he tells me. Apparently some box ...some control module or along those lines came loose. He knew the box and its tendency to come loose so he banged it around or so it sounded and sure enough we were back in business. Major creepy situation diverted. 

        We ended back up on a major highway. By this point Rodney was worn out. It must have been all the talking about renovations and him loading up the camper that did him in because he asked me to drive. I stay up late. It is my nature and so driving sounded way better than sitting and staring out into the darkness. We switched and an hour in he was snoring LOUDLY and very peacefully stretched out next to me. I secretly envied him. I can hardly remember a time I could sleep in a vehicle. 

        It did not take long and something major went wrong. I was driving smoothly down the freeway only the truck cut out. Semi-trucks were the only other visible vehicles and like normal they go barreling down the highway faster than the posted speed limits especially at that hour. Here I sat barely punching over 40 mph with a semi flying up my rear and no matter how much I pushed the peddle the truck sputtered and sputtered.

I felt as if every negative energy in the universe was barreling down on my life. I wanted to reach over and elbow Rodney awake. A vacation now of all times was NOT making for a happy wife nor fixing any of the sadness I felt months earlier.  Of course the truck jacked up with me behind the wheel. Unlike him I cannot monkey around until something works. 

       I did what I could do. I prayed. I took a deep breath and asked for a sense of peace and protection. I asked for the trip to go on without any major issues. I asked that we could get there and get home safely with the truck running. I have always felt that God must sit up there with a super funny sense of humor. I have learned to be extremely careful about what I pray. Prayers require detail and clarity. 
      He answered. He got us there and God sure got us home but the whole trip meant we could only drive a maximum of 40 mph. The truck bogged down whenever we drove uphill. It was like the famous children's book about the train. The whole time we chanted, "I think I can. I think I can." I bet God sat upstairs laughing about how I forgot to pray for the trucks problem to get fixed. We had fixed two truck parts along the way and each time the truck would improve and run smoother. Then after an hour or two it acted up again. It was scary but I learned to stay calm. I accepted that it was out of my control so I lived in the moment. 

        After we had arrived we made a quick stop at the local Walmart for supplies. We had scrubbed down our camper with bleach and Lysol. We stocked the fridge with all the essentials in our recently bought truck camper. Everything worked and it even came equipped with a stove. I was tickled to death. We had hot dogs, graham crackers, chocolate bars and cherry pie filling. We ate and ate some more. We had made all the typical foods out over a camp fire and sat around it every night as a family. We shared. We laughed. We stayed up late and we slept in every morning.

    Numerous mornings we all woke up to the sound of rain pinging off the top of our metal roof. Despite being awake we all sat there comfy and snuggled up together. It was as if we all sensed the moment and wished it would never end. 

     The whole trip despite the scares actually ended up being a wonderful adventure.

My mind is filled full of many happy memories verses just the thoughts about our beastly truck with it sputtering along. Looking back I could care less about the different colored doors. My heart was full when we left Assateague Island. The place was amazing and I loved seeing the horses roaming wild and free. I am beyond thankful for my husband and his constant efforts to make me happy. That trip and his efforts were a job well done.

I highly encourage everyone to go check out the state park.

Here is the link, https://www.nps.gov/asis/index.htm