Francesca who?!

       Francesca Battistelli is one of my favorite singers. I know you are asking yourself, Francesca who?! No, she is not found on any top ten music charts. I won’t even apologize because I never base my interests around what charts or studies deem as the most popular. I choose interests that speak to me and that relate to what I find as fulfilling. Francesca is a music artist that has a few awesome songs that really speak to my soul. I can compare my own life around her songs and I am always left feeling more upbeat after hearing her words. For example, she has a song titled “Free to be me.” Today I heard her song again from my playlist. Her song describes life as having a couple dents in the fender and some rips in her jeans.

        

          You might roll up beside me some day while I rock out to the music in my car. No worries I am tone deaf so I will keep the windows rolled up. Despite my handicap, music is great therapy. I feel the words with my whole heart but I lip sing the songs. I attempt to spare the people next to me from hearing my off key singing .When the words strike a cord in your heart, I guarantee that is when you jam out even harder.
       I remember being a young child full of dreams. I could not wait to grow up.The song " Free to be me" speaks to me. Sprinkled throughout my childhood are many good memories. However, I grew up feeling that I was not good enough. I felt that if I perfected everything I did that I would amount to something. My parents failed to use words of affirmation. They were never good at using the words, “I am proud of you, or “I love you.” I struggled to find happiness. I never felt as if I ever had anything of value to bring to the table. Those feelings shaped my life.   

        I have a family member who has impacted the way I view life.  She was a school teacher. She is a college graduate. She graduated from Ohio University at the top of her class. She is and always has been very book smart. She is a person who can read a book and then recite everything back to you with directions. She can even tell you how to do something simply because she read about it. However, she struggles.
The reality is she has very little knowledge about how to take all that learned information and apply it to real life. She succeeded with college and with her career up to a point but she missed out on the real value of life. She struggles because her life is filled with regrets, unforgiveness and blame. Her life never went as planned. She blames it on her parents, her siblings, and her ex-husband. Frequently her conversations pull back to talking about how her life could have been different “if only……..”

         Please tell me you also know someone exactly like this?! Unforgiveness is a poison. We all have bad days. We all have bad years but there is nothing we can do about the past. It is done and over.  All we can do is control the future from this day forward. For my family member, her life requires forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time. People need to be forgiven and until she can forgive, she will continue to negatively impact those around her. Her blame has forced her to miss out in life.

        For me personally, I have found that forgiveness is a constant process.  In the mean time continuing to stay around toxic people is like taking an open wound and allowing a hurtful person to keep picking away at the scab that is trying to heal. Even though forgiveness is a challenge, I never want to be so consumed with hurt that I miss out those time stamp moments in life.Yes there are days I wish I could have avoided certain events in my life. There are even days where I wish I could catch a train to New Mexico in order to escape the crying or sick days. I really wish I could have done without my vehicle being rammed by deer 5 times. In reality no one ever looks back and remembers all the bad days.  We might remember traumatic events but they all serve a purpose. Mostly we remember all those moments sprinkled in that were filled with joy. Those good moments are golden. My family member is missing all of those. Sad. Truly sad.

           

          I have no idea how I missed that vicious cycle of blaming everyone else. I escaped. I jumped off that circus act and chose the freak show instead. {Insert my smile emoji here}.

          I want to be a healthy person not only physically but spiritually and mentally. I do everything in my power to work towards a positive future. I too read books except I did not inherit the gene that allows me to read and suddenly everything sticks. Instead I am forced to learn by physically doing something and then suddenly the light bulb flickers on and I can comprehend. I also watch films and talk openly with people. Here is the real kicker, there have been times I actually enjoy paying a person to sit and listen to me hash out my life’s problems. I never want to dump all my garbage off on those around me.  Believe it or not, paid people are forced to sit and listen. They also have great insight. Those paid people have been referred to as shrinks.
   
      There was the one time I was asked to write down all the things that I was mad about on a piece of paper. I was suppose to then catch the paper on fire in order to set the feelings free. Do you know how difficult it was to find a lighter or match that day?! I ended up turning on the grill and burning that piece of paper. I felt so satisfied that I ended up burning lots of items. It was a freeing experience. I can not advise that to everyone because depending on how much hurt you have buried, you might just keep going and burn your couch, clothes or maybe even your house. The small fire could become a neighborhood event.

        Over the years instead of trying to hide my skeletons I have learned to throw those bad boys right out there on the front door step. I want to face them head on.  Hello! I know you, the person reading this has some crazy up your sleeves. The question is, do you admit it or are you in denial? If you are in denial, you’re the type of person I really start to question. You people need to take a real long reevaluation of your life. It exists. If you refuse to see the dysfunction I am sure others see it. Hahahahahaha. To those of you who know it exits, we can stay friends.

      

        

   
         I am so thankful for all the moments where I have learned to find peace and acceptance. My life truly blossomed the minute I learned to be thankful for all the trials. I love all the trails because God has given me the ability to reflect on certain events and laugh. As the saying goes, iron sharpens iron. I never comprehended that statement until the last 8 years. Many events have forced me to keep chipping away at at the baggage I have carried around. The events have truthfully been a blessing. They chiseled me into a new creation. I keep finding my hidden talents and the potential of my life. I am beyond grateful that I can take control of my own life and work towards a more fulfilling life. I never want to miss on all the "firsts" for my own children. Even on the rough days, I am thankful for the ability to be present. As Francesca sings, “the battle has already been won…….you are free to be you.”