Red, White and Blue

             

            People know a guy. You know, a guy whose distant cousin is currently serving in the military or their great uncle Jack served in Vietnam and had his leg injured during a war. There is always a connection of someone who knows someone who has or is currently serving in the military. The truth is, knowing of someone is not nearly the same as personally knowing someone who actually served and knowing what they go through in life. The military is not for the faint of heart or for the weak minded. Service requires spouses that are willing to be independent.

             

        I say that because I served 6 years in the Air Force National Guard. My husband has served

over 20 years and he still just keeps living the life. The guard is the “part time” military. There is a life among the military that is different from what most people can understand. Within the military there are small spats between each branch about who has it worse, which is the weakest or which one is put through the most nonsense. But at the end of the day we are all among a small elite group of the population. According to military.com, 99.5% of the population does not or has not served in the military. Those of us that have served are drawn to one another. We become family for life.

         Considering that the recent study claims that the majority of the population has not served tells me what I already know. Most people have no idea of what being in the military means or what sacrifices military members face throughout their enlistment and/or their career. Most people might work alongside a person for years who is a veteran and have no idea of the impacts he endured while serving. Some may even live next door to a veteran and yet still do not know he was in the military.The trend is that most of us do not talk about our time in service. Most won’t talk about their deployments and will not share much information about what we’ve seen, experienced or what struggles go alongside being in the armed forces. The “civilians” just won’t understand.  We do however talk among ourselves. We know the silent struggles. We can reach out to each other because it is a support network where it is okay to share. We can all relate, sympathize and give advice to navigate one another through the rough times. Despite the challenges, many of us that leave miss the military life.

               I was medically discharged from the military. I would have gladly given many more years of my life to have stayed enlisted. I fought the discharge for two years. The separation was a tough one for me to work through regardless if I had cursed the hours spent standing still during “formation” or keeping up to date with constant training classes. I would have even stayed in regardless of how many times we complained about our work schedule. There are constant changes and the military has so many regulations on what we should or shouldn’t wear or we even have rules on how to behave. The military improved my life in many aspects regardless of the negatives. My husband also has had many opportunities to jump ship and ditch the political aspects. He could have separated and could have been guaranteed to stay state side. He is not ready. The life grows on a person and most often a person just can’t say goodbye and leave the life or the family behind. He is the 0.5% (often referred to as the 1%) and he continues to stay apart of the elite group. I proudly stand by him. He is our hero. However, his decision to stay in has not come without some major consequences.

            My husband has been all over the world during his 20+ years of serving. From Germany, to Turkey,and even the small island of Guam. He has seen many other countries and destinations. He has experienced so much. I have only ever heard tidbits of information about each trip. He was deployed in support of Iraqi freedom during 9/11. Although he been able to travel, he has missed so much.

         Do you know that for the first five years of our marriage he missed many birthdays? He deploys a lot around the holidays and has missed many Christmas’s and New Year’s in a row. He deployed when our first two daughters were both only 6 weeks old. During the first four years of our marriage we both gave up two weekends out of a month to attend drill in two completely different states. I moved two states away and we both ended up being enlisted at two very different guard units. I left behind my family and my entire support network. I gave birth to our first daughter in a new house and a new state with my husband.  It took three years to establish a support network. It was a lonely three years in the beginning. Throughout the course of our marriage I have spent months at a time being a single mother. He missed out on school performances, celebrations and lost moments where our children laughed. I’ve had to repair barn walls during a snow storm. I have chased cow’s miles down the road from a farm only to guide them back to a field while driving a four wheeler. There have been times I have sat at a dinner table during Christmas with just me and my children. I have watched them open presents and careless because they would choose their dad being home over a toy. I have spent weeks at a time paying bills, doing laundry, running errands all while only getting an average of 5 hours of sleep. At that point survival mode kicks in. A woman just does not sleep at night with her husband away. Every click of a clock or the annoying hum of a refrigerator suddenly becomes a sound that keeps me awake at night.

          I have even dealt with weird situations that I now look back on and laugh. Those moments such as the time my daughter decided to use our coffee table as a slide. It did not end well. She cracked open her chin while I sat panic stricken. It happened at night and I had to push forward and pack up our bags while a child sat screaming with her bone exposed while the blood gushed. I even drove to the hospital on my own with two small children.  I could not call my family. They were two states away. I could not call my husband. His phone calls were scarce and we were lucky enough to communicate a few times via email. This is a soldier’s life. These are just some of the stories most cannot relate too and yet somehow we survived.  

     

        What about knowing your husband is preparing for an upcoming deployment so you are forced to sit through a meeting and update your will? What about being forced to think about if you both died in a car accident;who would provide for the children? What about insurance and putting all your affairs in order “just in case” something were to happen or he did not make it back home?! How many go through that with their job? Ever had to sit with a chaplain or a counselor and make sure you both are emotionally prepared?

         No matter how much you plan for an easy transition, the journey comes with many unforeseen issues. When it comes to a deployment, no one truly is prepared. The heater breaks or another deer rams into your SUV and yet your husband is miles across the “pond” and suddenly you’re forced to figure it out. These are the things no one prepares you for nor handles for you. I still always feel abandoned the minute my spouse leaves. No amount of preparation conditions us for the separation. Regardless of how safe the deployment is supposed to be, a wife still worries. I never watch the news. I cannot emotionally handle hearing about troops or what is going on in the world. Once I did and it happened to be breaking news about a military plane crashing on a landing of the runway while troops were inside. That makes a persons’ heart race and then the brain conjures up a lot of “what ifs.” Then to add salt to the wound, you do not hear from your spouse for a day or two and the whole time, you worry. I have found that at strange moments I will break down and get emotional. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, the constant pressure of life and caring for kids but the stress builds during a deployment. It always does and although we have done this for 9 years it has never gotten any easier.

        
         People always seem to want to share the negative aspects of the news regarding a war as if somehow that will benefit me while my husband is gone. He may not even be in a “hot spot” but the thought only worsens the already stressful situation. For example, the last thing I need to hear about is how 5 troops died in Iraq. It is not helpful regardless of what the intentions are of a person.

         Let me not leave out that my children always get emotional. They too act out and struggle to cope. There is usually a lot of crying, a lot of negative behavior and a lot of trouble sleeping at night. They ask a lot about daddy. Then there is Skype. Although a helpful invention of technology, it has not always served as a positive feature. The children see his face, they talk to him but then the face time with internet connection only lasts a few minutes. The internet at an overseas base is always so terrible that it cuts out constantly. We sit. We wait. We sit waiting for him to call again. We always fear leaving because we might miss his call and we never know when he might call back again. A whole hour of waiting usually adds up to about 15 minutes’ worth of true talking. We always cram as much in as possible and that usually means talking about bills, finances and our health. There is little time left for the emotional or sentimental conversations. Sounds thrilling, right?

            I hope all of this makes a person view the concept of the red, white and blue in a whole new found perspective. The United States; our country and here we have pride that burns strong. Yes, we chose this life but remember that most of you, the 99.5% were too afraid nor considered stepping up to take a stand. You did not sign up to make these sacrifices. We did and we would willingly do it again. It is not easy and yet somehow we endure, we persevere and we survive.
   
           The next time you think about a soldier, please view those who have served with a new found perspective. Not only is he/she serving, but so is his (or her) family. His children and those around him are forced to make sacrifices. We are not expecting you to bake us a dinner or to give us a pat on the back. All we ask for is that people take the time to consider the job that the military volunteered to do in order to be a reflection of our society.

          The National Anthem, as stated from [http://m.american-historama.org/1801-1828-evolution/star-spangled-banner-lyrics.htm] states that "the 'home of the brave' lyrics are a reflection of the heroic exploits of Americans to defend their country." Wow, right? This is not just about freedom.The lyrics run much deeper. Who knew the National Anthem has a lot to do with the very sacrifices soldiers make daily.  I just hope that more people consider the life of military soldiers. Consider how much they sacrifice in order to be the 0.5% of the population. The job comes at a heavy cost. My husband is and always has gladly stepped up to answer the call and for that he will always be our hero.As Alexander Hamilton is attributed, " If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."