Parenting; Joyous yet Stressful Adventure

   I am a mom. Not just any mom, but today a stressed mom. There are rough days with moments where the tantrums are too much. Having to tell my children what not to do for the tenth time in a day really starts to push me over the edge. I am, to the best of my ability a very transparent person. I never try to candy coat life. If anything, I try to be open and honest while making jokes and laughing at my own circumstances. I care a whole lot. No matter how many times I cringe and want to give up I dig in my heels and push forward. I will never be perfect nor the ideal parent but God knows I try so hard everyday.

     I still reflect back on my wild 21 year old self. If my girls only, only knew. At some point they will ask and at some point, I will give them the whole scenario. Luckily, if all goes well I am planning on that day being in the distant future with about 8 years to avoid discussing and explaining. I still struggle to fathom how I worked 12 hour days, managed to workout five days a week yet still went out nightly. I slept very little and still functioned well enough through my job that I never showed up to work late. I had energy with more than enough to spare. Yet, somehow here I am raising three little people. Two of which head off to school for most of the day. I usually find myself managing to sneak in a few naps each week after the two oldest leave. Is it bad that I stand in the doorway waving goodbye with a huge smile knowing that as soon as I shut the door, I can catch a few more hours of sleep??  These little humans take up so much energy. It is shocking!
      Please stay with me and understand that although they are a lot of work, I love my children. They are a blessing. They are my joy and every fiber of my being is valued on my children. That may sound a little extreme but I am their mother. I feel that they in so many regards are a reflection of my husband and I. Of course they are individuals but I take great pride in them. My whole focus is on, are they happy? Are they responsible? Are they respectful? Do they have a heart for others? Can they work through conflicts? Will they stand on their own two feet when a problem arises or will they cave in and follow what is popular? Can they think for themselves (some days I regret encouraging that trait). Do they have a heart for God?
 I am responsible for them and their behavior. I take great pride in that as a mother. I do not place my worth on my degrees, my career, my friends or even what house I live in or what car I drive. None of that matters to me. It can all be stripped away in the blink of an eye but the character of my children will last a lifetime. 
I could post on social media all the good stuff. I do keep it positive and rarely post the struggles or the drama that may arise. However, people might become delusional and think I am super mom with this perfect little life. The reality is, it takes so much work to get through one day. I work out constantly to keep sane and yet even that is ridiculous and I often want to say screw it and give up. Why can I not be like some moms where I sit on the couch eating Twinkies and watching soap operas all day? Whyyyyyyyy?!?!

It must be that if I gave up and if I stuffed my face and sat around not caring, it would cost me. It would mean that my disease would go into over drive and people within my home might die. I would have more flares ups due to extreme hormonal imbalances. So here I am not being Susie homemaker posting all my creations or successful pinterest talents. I am not that mom.  Screw you pinterest because I secretly envy those moms but instead I am just trying to keep myself sane and children alive while constantly remodeling our stupid house. I need an easier life. I do. I really do.
 Today I felt like caving and I could have easily, easily hands down posted on Facebook a screenshot of my workout from today. It would look like I ran four miles and managed to run like the flash with some 6 minute miles. bahahahahaha.

     Social media is so deceiving. Please do not envy someones social life. Online posts leave out so much of REAL life. If I had posted a screen shot of today's workout, here is what you would not see.
My watch keeps messing up and either does not record a workout or I try to close it out and it just keeps on recording. Today it decided to continue recording my workout while I sat in my SUV and while I drove down the road to my house. It recorded the whole four miles and made buzzer noises with boom bands playing to notify me that I have made significant progress and "ran" a 6 minute mile. Way to go watch. Way to go. Sadly I run about twice as slow as that and it failed to realize I was driving.
     Here is what most do not see about my life beyond if I posted a workout. My whole day was tough. My husband is out of town for the military. I single parented our three little's all by myself for most of the last three days. Children cried. They ate left overs and quick snacks. We cut corners and at one point I distinctly remember telling them to give mamma a moment of silence. I honestly had no energy left to answer ONE MORE "why" question. I just could not do it. I was sick of the "she's touching me" and "I'm hungry"!
    I must be insane. I had to run all these errands dragging children in and out. We pushed through the chaos of people everywhere and people Christmas shopping at one store all for some diapers and paper towels. At one point we even made it up to the check out only to have a child complain about how she was about to pee her pants if she did not make it potty. I drew in a deep breath and pulled the cart around only to trample throughout the whole store to the opposite end just to find a bathroom. I was drained. I was exhausted and yet I knew I needed to push forward.

      Exercise makes me feel better. It is my outlet. It also sets an example for my children about making healthy choices in life. Despite my day,  we came home and took some time to settle down. We regrouped and headed out for the nearby pathway. The girls rode their bikes while I ran and pushed our 14 month old in a stroller. Today the girls wanted to take the trail with a waterfall. The trail is gorgeous but we usually only walk it. Therefore I was not prepared for the experience.

    The trail is rough. There are roots everywhere and my girls kept crashing on their bikes. I attempted to run yet the stroller kept getting stuck and our poor little toddler someone how must have found the movement relaxing. She managed to fall asleep despite her head occasionally getting jolted around in the stroller. It was right then and there that I saw the sleeping toddler who never stops moving that I refused to give up. I needed her asleep for a few more minutes so I could breath and think in silence. Her teething and lack of sleep lately has just about done me in. There we were over a mile in the trail and I refused to turn around. We pushed on and kept going. Thank God she stayed asleep for over a half hour.
       After wards I had to make another stop. The cashier made very much appreciated compliments about our girls and discussed how she can not wait for children. I was touched and yet something inside me burst. I was polite but as my girls were distracted by a nearby toy display I told her to really live her life and accomplish some goals before she ever jumps into parenthood. I told her that so many fail to fill our youth in on the sleepless nights and how much work is involved.Yes babies are cute and they smell amazing but they require so much of their parents.  She seemed shocked when I explained that parenting is the hardest thing in life she will ever do. Well, if you're a parent that cares about who they become then it is a difficult journey. Parenting has a lot of good but man oh man does it take a lot of long days and a lot of challenges to get those priceless rewards.

     Trust me, in the middle of the forest it is often challenging to see through the trees. That is how I often feel as a mom. I keep hoping and praying that one day, just one day all of this will matter. That all the moments where I encourage them, help them work through emotions and even the days where I loose my cool and act a fool, even then I pray that it all adds up to these little's being responsible adults that others are willing to live around for a lifetime.

 

     Life can seem so picture perfect. If our life is challenging then the grass is greener for another person, right? I pray you can all laugh and see that although I post cute and adorable pictures of my girls and my day, just know that somehow there is probably a long list of disastrous stories behind each picture. Nothing is ever as it seems.
     Cheers! Here is to me ending the night with a glass of apple cider and fireball. My husband is on his way home and tomorrow a sitter is lined up to help give us a break. Life is seeming pretty manageable at this point. May your day have a bitter sweet ending as well.

Red, White and Blue

             

            People know a guy. You know, a guy whose distant cousin is currently serving in the military or their great uncle Jack served in Vietnam and had his leg injured during a war. There is always a connection of someone who knows someone who has or is currently serving in the military. The truth is, knowing of someone is not nearly the same as personally knowing someone who actually served and knowing what they go through in life. The military is not for the faint of heart or for the weak minded. Service requires spouses that are willing to be independent.

             

        I say that because I served 6 years in the Air Force National Guard. My husband has served

over 20 years and he still just keeps living the life. The guard is the “part time” military. There is a life among the military that is different from what most people can understand. Within the military there are small spats between each branch about who has it worse, which is the weakest or which one is put through the most nonsense. But at the end of the day we are all among a small elite group of the population. According to military.com, 99.5% of the population does not or has not served in the military. Those of us that have served are drawn to one another. We become family for life.

         Considering that the recent study claims that the majority of the population has not served tells me what I already know. Most people have no idea of what being in the military means or what sacrifices military members face throughout their enlistment and/or their career. Most people might work alongside a person for years who is a veteran and have no idea of the impacts he endured while serving. Some may even live next door to a veteran and yet still do not know he was in the military.The trend is that most of us do not talk about our time in service. Most won’t talk about their deployments and will not share much information about what we’ve seen, experienced or what struggles go alongside being in the armed forces. The “civilians” just won’t understand.  We do however talk among ourselves. We know the silent struggles. We can reach out to each other because it is a support network where it is okay to share. We can all relate, sympathize and give advice to navigate one another through the rough times. Despite the challenges, many of us that leave miss the military life.

               I was medically discharged from the military. I would have gladly given many more years of my life to have stayed enlisted. I fought the discharge for two years. The separation was a tough one for me to work through regardless if I had cursed the hours spent standing still during “formation” or keeping up to date with constant training classes. I would have even stayed in regardless of how many times we complained about our work schedule. There are constant changes and the military has so many regulations on what we should or shouldn’t wear or we even have rules on how to behave. The military improved my life in many aspects regardless of the negatives. My husband also has had many opportunities to jump ship and ditch the political aspects. He could have separated and could have been guaranteed to stay state side. He is not ready. The life grows on a person and most often a person just can’t say goodbye and leave the life or the family behind. He is the 0.5% (often referred to as the 1%) and he continues to stay apart of the elite group. I proudly stand by him. He is our hero. However, his decision to stay in has not come without some major consequences.

            My husband has been all over the world during his 20+ years of serving. From Germany, to Turkey,and even the small island of Guam. He has seen many other countries and destinations. He has experienced so much. I have only ever heard tidbits of information about each trip. He was deployed in support of Iraqi freedom during 9/11. Although he been able to travel, he has missed so much.

         Do you know that for the first five years of our marriage he missed many birthdays? He deploys a lot around the holidays and has missed many Christmas’s and New Year’s in a row. He deployed when our first two daughters were both only 6 weeks old. During the first four years of our marriage we both gave up two weekends out of a month to attend drill in two completely different states. I moved two states away and we both ended up being enlisted at two very different guard units. I left behind my family and my entire support network. I gave birth to our first daughter in a new house and a new state with my husband.  It took three years to establish a support network. It was a lonely three years in the beginning. Throughout the course of our marriage I have spent months at a time being a single mother. He missed out on school performances, celebrations and lost moments where our children laughed. I’ve had to repair barn walls during a snow storm. I have chased cow’s miles down the road from a farm only to guide them back to a field while driving a four wheeler. There have been times I have sat at a dinner table during Christmas with just me and my children. I have watched them open presents and careless because they would choose their dad being home over a toy. I have spent weeks at a time paying bills, doing laundry, running errands all while only getting an average of 5 hours of sleep. At that point survival mode kicks in. A woman just does not sleep at night with her husband away. Every click of a clock or the annoying hum of a refrigerator suddenly becomes a sound that keeps me awake at night.

          I have even dealt with weird situations that I now look back on and laugh. Those moments such as the time my daughter decided to use our coffee table as a slide. It did not end well. She cracked open her chin while I sat panic stricken. It happened at night and I had to push forward and pack up our bags while a child sat screaming with her bone exposed while the blood gushed. I even drove to the hospital on my own with two small children.  I could not call my family. They were two states away. I could not call my husband. His phone calls were scarce and we were lucky enough to communicate a few times via email. This is a soldier’s life. These are just some of the stories most cannot relate too and yet somehow we survived.  

     

        What about knowing your husband is preparing for an upcoming deployment so you are forced to sit through a meeting and update your will? What about being forced to think about if you both died in a car accident;who would provide for the children? What about insurance and putting all your affairs in order “just in case” something were to happen or he did not make it back home?! How many go through that with their job? Ever had to sit with a chaplain or a counselor and make sure you both are emotionally prepared?

         No matter how much you plan for an easy transition, the journey comes with many unforeseen issues. When it comes to a deployment, no one truly is prepared. The heater breaks or another deer rams into your SUV and yet your husband is miles across the “pond” and suddenly you’re forced to figure it out. These are the things no one prepares you for nor handles for you. I still always feel abandoned the minute my spouse leaves. No amount of preparation conditions us for the separation. Regardless of how safe the deployment is supposed to be, a wife still worries. I never watch the news. I cannot emotionally handle hearing about troops or what is going on in the world. Once I did and it happened to be breaking news about a military plane crashing on a landing of the runway while troops were inside. That makes a persons’ heart race and then the brain conjures up a lot of “what ifs.” Then to add salt to the wound, you do not hear from your spouse for a day or two and the whole time, you worry. I have found that at strange moments I will break down and get emotional. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, the constant pressure of life and caring for kids but the stress builds during a deployment. It always does and although we have done this for 9 years it has never gotten any easier.

        
         People always seem to want to share the negative aspects of the news regarding a war as if somehow that will benefit me while my husband is gone. He may not even be in a “hot spot” but the thought only worsens the already stressful situation. For example, the last thing I need to hear about is how 5 troops died in Iraq. It is not helpful regardless of what the intentions are of a person.

         Let me not leave out that my children always get emotional. They too act out and struggle to cope. There is usually a lot of crying, a lot of negative behavior and a lot of trouble sleeping at night. They ask a lot about daddy. Then there is Skype. Although a helpful invention of technology, it has not always served as a positive feature. The children see his face, they talk to him but then the face time with internet connection only lasts a few minutes. The internet at an overseas base is always so terrible that it cuts out constantly. We sit. We wait. We sit waiting for him to call again. We always fear leaving because we might miss his call and we never know when he might call back again. A whole hour of waiting usually adds up to about 15 minutes’ worth of true talking. We always cram as much in as possible and that usually means talking about bills, finances and our health. There is little time left for the emotional or sentimental conversations. Sounds thrilling, right?

            I hope all of this makes a person view the concept of the red, white and blue in a whole new found perspective. The United States; our country and here we have pride that burns strong. Yes, we chose this life but remember that most of you, the 99.5% were too afraid nor considered stepping up to take a stand. You did not sign up to make these sacrifices. We did and we would willingly do it again. It is not easy and yet somehow we endure, we persevere and we survive.
   
           The next time you think about a soldier, please view those who have served with a new found perspective. Not only is he/she serving, but so is his (or her) family. His children and those around him are forced to make sacrifices. We are not expecting you to bake us a dinner or to give us a pat on the back. All we ask for is that people take the time to consider the job that the military volunteered to do in order to be a reflection of our society.

          The National Anthem, as stated from [http://m.american-historama.org/1801-1828-evolution/star-spangled-banner-lyrics.htm] states that "the 'home of the brave' lyrics are a reflection of the heroic exploits of Americans to defend their country." Wow, right? This is not just about freedom.The lyrics run much deeper. Who knew the National Anthem has a lot to do with the very sacrifices soldiers make daily.  I just hope that more people consider the life of military soldiers. Consider how much they sacrifice in order to be the 0.5% of the population. The job comes at a heavy cost. My husband is and always has gladly stepped up to answer the call and for that he will always be our hero.As Alexander Hamilton is attributed, " If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

Francesca who?!

       Francesca Battistelli is one of my favorite singers. I know you are asking yourself, Francesca who?! No, she is not found on any top ten music charts. I won’t even apologize because I never base my interests around what charts or studies deem as the most popular. I choose interests that speak to me and that relate to what I find as fulfilling. Francesca is a music artist that has a few awesome songs that really speak to my soul. I can compare my own life around her songs and I am always left feeling more upbeat after hearing her words. For example, she has a song titled “Free to be me.” Today I heard her song again from my playlist. Her song describes life as having a couple dents in the fender and some rips in her jeans.

        

          You might roll up beside me some day while I rock out to the music in my car. No worries I am tone deaf so I will keep the windows rolled up. Despite my handicap, music is great therapy. I feel the words with my whole heart but I lip sing the songs. I attempt to spare the people next to me from hearing my off key singing .When the words strike a cord in your heart, I guarantee that is when you jam out even harder.
       I remember being a young child full of dreams. I could not wait to grow up.The song " Free to be me" speaks to me. Sprinkled throughout my childhood are many good memories. However, I grew up feeling that I was not good enough. I felt that if I perfected everything I did that I would amount to something. My parents failed to use words of affirmation. They were never good at using the words, “I am proud of you, or “I love you.” I struggled to find happiness. I never felt as if I ever had anything of value to bring to the table. Those feelings shaped my life.   

        I have a family member who has impacted the way I view life.  She was a school teacher. She is a college graduate. She graduated from Ohio University at the top of her class. She is and always has been very book smart. She is a person who can read a book and then recite everything back to you with directions. She can even tell you how to do something simply because she read about it. However, she struggles.
The reality is she has very little knowledge about how to take all that learned information and apply it to real life. She succeeded with college and with her career up to a point but she missed out on the real value of life. She struggles because her life is filled with regrets, unforgiveness and blame. Her life never went as planned. She blames it on her parents, her siblings, and her ex-husband. Frequently her conversations pull back to talking about how her life could have been different “if only……..”

         Please tell me you also know someone exactly like this?! Unforgiveness is a poison. We all have bad days. We all have bad years but there is nothing we can do about the past. It is done and over.  All we can do is control the future from this day forward. For my family member, her life requires forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time. People need to be forgiven and until she can forgive, she will continue to negatively impact those around her. Her blame has forced her to miss out in life.

        For me personally, I have found that forgiveness is a constant process.  In the mean time continuing to stay around toxic people is like taking an open wound and allowing a hurtful person to keep picking away at the scab that is trying to heal. Even though forgiveness is a challenge, I never want to be so consumed with hurt that I miss out those time stamp moments in life.Yes there are days I wish I could have avoided certain events in my life. There are even days where I wish I could catch a train to New Mexico in order to escape the crying or sick days. I really wish I could have done without my vehicle being rammed by deer 5 times. In reality no one ever looks back and remembers all the bad days.  We might remember traumatic events but they all serve a purpose. Mostly we remember all those moments sprinkled in that were filled with joy. Those good moments are golden. My family member is missing all of those. Sad. Truly sad.

           

          I have no idea how I missed that vicious cycle of blaming everyone else. I escaped. I jumped off that circus act and chose the freak show instead. {Insert my smile emoji here}.

          I want to be a healthy person not only physically but spiritually and mentally. I do everything in my power to work towards a positive future. I too read books except I did not inherit the gene that allows me to read and suddenly everything sticks. Instead I am forced to learn by physically doing something and then suddenly the light bulb flickers on and I can comprehend. I also watch films and talk openly with people. Here is the real kicker, there have been times I actually enjoy paying a person to sit and listen to me hash out my life’s problems. I never want to dump all my garbage off on those around me.  Believe it or not, paid people are forced to sit and listen. They also have great insight. Those paid people have been referred to as shrinks.
   
      There was the one time I was asked to write down all the things that I was mad about on a piece of paper. I was suppose to then catch the paper on fire in order to set the feelings free. Do you know how difficult it was to find a lighter or match that day?! I ended up turning on the grill and burning that piece of paper. I felt so satisfied that I ended up burning lots of items. It was a freeing experience. I can not advise that to everyone because depending on how much hurt you have buried, you might just keep going and burn your couch, clothes or maybe even your house. The small fire could become a neighborhood event.

        Over the years instead of trying to hide my skeletons I have learned to throw those bad boys right out there on the front door step. I want to face them head on.  Hello! I know you, the person reading this has some crazy up your sleeves. The question is, do you admit it or are you in denial? If you are in denial, you’re the type of person I really start to question. You people need to take a real long reevaluation of your life. It exists. If you refuse to see the dysfunction I am sure others see it. Hahahahahaha. To those of you who know it exits, we can stay friends.

      

        

   
         I am so thankful for all the moments where I have learned to find peace and acceptance. My life truly blossomed the minute I learned to be thankful for all the trials. I love all the trails because God has given me the ability to reflect on certain events and laugh. As the saying goes, iron sharpens iron. I never comprehended that statement until the last 8 years. Many events have forced me to keep chipping away at at the baggage I have carried around. The events have truthfully been a blessing. They chiseled me into a new creation. I keep finding my hidden talents and the potential of my life. I am beyond grateful that I can take control of my own life and work towards a more fulfilling life. I never want to miss on all the "firsts" for my own children. Even on the rough days, I am thankful for the ability to be present. As Francesca sings, “the battle has already been won…….you are free to be you.”